Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
