I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Randomize
