I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
