a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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