i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
