Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
