So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
