Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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