I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My feet surprised me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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