and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
