I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
