The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
