mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My hand turned me down
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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