Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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