I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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