I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am spending my child support on dildos
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
