Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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