just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
