i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
