Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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