peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
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SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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