she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
