last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
