My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you would pick up someone in the library
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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