I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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