Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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