Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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