If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
