i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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