this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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