Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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