Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
