I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
