mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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