In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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