she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize