I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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