My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
