I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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