my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
