Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize