oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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