dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
