@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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