i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
