There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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