singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
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I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
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This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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