how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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