i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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