I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.