Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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