I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.