It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
