One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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