I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
