I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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