Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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