went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
